I was once told to broaden my horizons. I misunderstood and bought an eight pack of Hershey Bars. My horizons are so broad now that I no longer like to shop for clothing.
While wandering through stores over the past few months (in search of a stylish tent) I really became aware of the clothing and layout of the stores selling fashions. Have you seen the stuff they are selling young women, teenagers, now? OMG! The department signs should be changed from Juniors to Tarts. The stuff they sell in Misses, for the 20-30 somethings, should be called Wannabes or Tarts Plus. You do not see much in selection for Maternity wear since wearing clothing too small and stretching the Tartwear so tight you know the sex of the unborn child is popular. Then there is Womens clothing. This department is for the woman that cannot be a Tart or even a Wannabe. Plus Sizes (heavy sigh) is for fat girls that will settle for anything that fits. I think young, skinny, women (or straight men) walk though fashion warehouses and pick out the ugliest stuff there and order it to sell to overweight women. Since there is nothing fashionable out there for us we wear the ugly stuff and get a bad rap for having no fashion sense. Just because we like Hershey Bars is no reason to punish us with ugly clothing! We are doing our part to keep people making candy and candy wrappers working! It’s a better jobs plan than we’ve seen over the past decade! I’ve said before that the signs saying Plus Size is demeaning – might as well say Wide Load. I had a friend (keyword here is ‘had’) that told me the brand name of the jeans of fat girls should be Gravy Boat Jeans. He went on to mention a back up beeper should be installed in a rear pocket. Since he is now an old guy, and probably wears jeans with a ‘scootch’ more room in the crotch, I suggest his jeans should be called Limp Dick Jeans, or possibly All Balls No Action Jeans. (Sorry, I got side tracked for a minute there.) But speaking of the ‘scootch’ more room jeans…the older ladies could use a little help with a ‘scootch’ more bra strap length. When we were younger it was a pain to keep adjusting the straps to keep the girls lined up properly. As we get older the good news is that the straps are let out all the way and need no adjusting. The bad news is that if we raise our arms we ooze out the bottom of the bra! I do understand that an extra yard of bra straps could be difficult for the younger set. We need our own age related garment. Bali brands should make bras for the gravity pull on older women and call them Baliho. The possibilities are endless…just as the bra straps should be.
The fashion industry is behind the times We keep hearing on television that this is the fattest generation of Americans, ever. Large ladies pants have the waist size of a thirteen year old anorexic. Large ladies do not need front pockets in their slacks…the slack settles in the pockets. Why do they put Disney characters, or Tweety Bird, on t-shirts for older women? We do not need breast darts in our blouses for where our boobs used to be – they need to point down now. There should be a Federal law against size 10 thong panties. We know we are large – there is no reason to add an ‘X’ to our clothing sizes. An ‘O’ would be more of an incentive to lose weight ... as in “Oh, crap I’m bigger” instead of the nasty X which usually indicates multiplying - we do not like doing math while shopping! Give us some flattering styles without the stupid ribbon under the former boob location. Quit pushing sleeveless tops on us, we have upside down muscles!
Great. I have pissed myself off. I now vow, in writing, to quit shopping at Wal-Mart. They obviously do not hire gay men fashion buyers that adore large, older ladies.
