Unicycles & Homemade Skateboards

Thursday, at an office luncheon, some of my table mates were discussing their childhood, the way they were raised, and the toys they had that made them happy. Horses were spoken of and I told them that I rode a unicycle that I dearly loved. They turned and quietly looked at me - so, I added that I was a poor child and could not afford the whole bike. I also mentioned that homemade skateboards were very popular when I was a kid. I explained that they were just scrap wood with old metal skate wheels carefully attached (screwed on by hand – we did not have the new fangled battery operated screwdrivers waaayyy back then). These boards did not have the sophistication of the boards kids buy today; they were not pretty and were very difficult to maneuver. Part of the excitement of riding very fast down a steep hill was not hitting mailboxes, parked cars, or, slow moving pedestrians as our friends watched us. I flew off of my share of homemade skateboards by just hitting curbs…and the occasional mailbox or parked car.

When I went to bed last night my mind wandered; I reviewed the week and remembered the conversation at the luncheon. It then wandered on to my lack of having something to do on a Friday night and it suddenly struck me that my lack of a love life and old unicycles and homemade skateboards have a lot in common. With a unicycle you ride alone – you cannot share a ride unless you hold a circus union card, and I was never quite that talented. With a homemade skate board you look until you find a suitable piece of wood and change it (we women like to change things). When adding the wheels the screwing part is important - the age of the wood is a factor - and you can eventually run into obstacles that knock you down. When you are knocked down too often it gets harder to get back up. Traveling uphill after a fun ride can make your chest hurt. 

If how you play as a kid is going to turn into the life you lead when you are older, I regret that I did not learn to play the banjo. Damn. I could be pickin’ and grinnin’.

Limping Along

I have recently had the misfortune, and difficulty, associated with limping due to an issue with my right leg. When you are an elderly, zaftig, woman with a limp, there are some realities that you absolutely must face:

1)      Hunched over, while pushing a walker really does make your butt look bigger.

2)      It is very important to wear a good bra; swinging to and fro will throw you off balance.

3)      Swinging to and fro will remind you of the song, ‘Do your boobs hang low, are they swinging to and fro?’ As hard as you may try, you will not remember the rest of the words to that stupid ditty, but the tune WILL be stuck in your head. Forever.

4)      It is impossible to hold in your stomach and limp at the same time.

5)      If you really need to pee your leg will hurt worse.

6)      On a bad leg your knee high stocking will drop down and pool around your ankle. You will not give a damn.

7)      With a bad leg, sitting down in a bathtub full of water will remind you of Sea World.

8)      With a bad leg, getting out of a bathtub full of water will explain the phenomenon of beached whales.

9)      With a bad leg you do not have to comb the back of your hair because anyone behind you is just going to be noticing that your butt looks bigger as you slowly push your walker.

10)   And finally, if you have a bad limp, no one really wants to hear your explanation of why, unless you smile and say, ‘during sex’, at the beginning of a huge lie.