I have recently had the misfortune, and difficulty, associated with limping due to an issue with my right leg. When you are an elderly, zaftig, woman with a limp, there are some realities that you absolutely must face:
1) Hunched over, while pushing a walker really does make your butt look bigger.
2) It is very important to wear a good bra; swinging to and fro will throw you off balance.
3) Swinging to and fro will remind you of the song, ‘Do your boobs hang low, are they swinging to and fro?’ As hard as you may try, you will not remember the rest of the words to that stupid ditty, but the tune WILL be stuck in your head. Forever.
4) It is impossible to hold in your stomach and limp at the same time.
5) If you really need to pee your leg will hurt worse.
6) On a bad leg your knee high stocking will drop down and pool around your ankle. You will not give a damn.
7) With a bad leg, sitting down in a bathtub full of water will remind you of Sea World.
8) With a bad leg, getting out of a bathtub full of water will explain the phenomenon of beached whales.
9) With a bad leg you do not have to comb the back of your hair because anyone behind you is just going to be noticing that your butt looks bigger as you slowly push your walker.
10) And finally, if you have a bad limp, no one really wants to hear your explanation of why, unless you smile and say, ‘during sex’, at the beginning of a huge lie.
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