Undesirable Husband Prospects

Sometimes us old, single, women will think about looking for a husband. Tonight, I thought about it after reading a book about a group of older women who finally found the men of their dreams. They knew what they wanted and set out to find their guys.  I began to wonder what kind of man I would want to pursue if I were to start looking around. I could not come up with anything other than someone who would mow the yard.  As it often does, my mind wandered (okay, guttered) and I began thinking of the professions, or hobbies, of men and how this could relate to the time in the bedroom. Here are some professions I find undesirable as husband prospects:

Pro Bowler.  A thumb placement that was not expected, and highly unappreciated, could lead to jail time if you beat the living crap out of him afterwards. 

Pro Golfer.  There are moments prior to sexual coupling that a woman enjoys. Yelling FORE and then swinging for a hole in one are not the moments we are looking for.

Shoe Salesman.  This is sad. After fooling around once, the pillow talk involved the words, “You have nice feet for a woman your age.”  These are not the pillow talk words an older woman wants, or expects, to hear immediately after having sex. There are times when a whopper of a lie is preferable and acceptable!

Race Car Enthusiast.  These guys probably arrive fast, make a pit stop and leave in a hurry. Be wary of skid marks.

Football Coach.  The whistle blowing would probably get on your nerves eventually.

Used Car Salesman.  A swift quick kick in your spare tire to check you for stability might create a blow out, or a leak, that would definitely kill the mood.

Oil Change Franchise owner.  I made myself laugh out loud thinking about this one, but I can’t make myself type what I thought was so funny.

Computer programmer.   These guys expect unrestricted access and when they talk in their sleep you will never understand what they are talking about. Ctrl Alt Delete.

Political Advisor.  Oh, HELL NO! You should never date a political advisor. Immediately shoot him. If he happens to be a Democrat shoot yourself, too, because your mama has already changed her will and you needed the money.

Damn. This list could go on forever. I think I will just get another cat. 

Cleavage: Surprise!

Women who are blessed with ample bosoms are also blessed with cleavage. Having cleavage

is comparable to having a second purse, only without zippers, snaps or Velcro. The last time I

went to a casino I did not want to worry about someone stealing my purse and I was able to place

my wallet, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a tube of lipstick, a small mirror, and my phone in my

cleavage. Although I lost my shirt at the slot machines I did not lose a purse containing any of the

aforementioned items.  Losing a $40 tube of lipstick when a purse is stolen can be very painful. 

Having cleavage also enables a person to have a surprise every evening when removing the torture

device known as ‘the bra’. Today, I found a cricket in mine. It was no longer among the living,

I do not know how it got there or how long it had been there, but I was surprised to find it.  I have

found popcorn, supposedly lost earrings, Cheerios, peanuts, pencils and pens, leaves, a pacifier

(this one is kind of ironic), and among various other items, a couple of acorns. The acorns were

from walking along a sidewalk near someone mowing under an oak tree. Surprise!

My little dog, Sophie, likes to hover at my feet while I undress. She is always on the look out for a

sudden snack. She was not impressed with the cricket.

My most memorable surprise was when reaching for something and accidentally boob-friction-

flicked my Bic lighter while it was nestled. Whoa! THAT was a huge surprise! Fortunately, I no

longer have to worry about chin hair. The most expensive surprise was when I forgot I had stashed

my phone, removed my bra, and when everything sprang forth the phone jumped into the toilet. I no

 longer undress anywhere near water.

The most disappointing surprise of having cleavage is how far everything falls when freed from the

bra. It does pull out a few wrinkles from the neck up, though.  I cannot, however, prove the wrinkle

removing comment without getting fired, or arrested, since the only people I am ever around are at

the office, the gas station, or the Dollar Store. (I really need to widen my social circle. Maybe I

should go to Wal-Mart tomorrow.)

Yep, women with cleavage are blessed with a true treasure chest.

I Wish I Could Still........

As I get older I miss being able to do what I took for granted in my youth.  Not a day goes by without my missing out on some of the simpler things, such as:

·         Being able to bite my toenails. Not that I ever did….I just wish I was able to do so if the urge was there. Today I have to wait for a ‘good’ day just to touch them and that’s when I am sitting down.

·         Hopping on my unicycle and just riding for miles. The little kids just loved to see me ride by. Today they would ask their Mama why that old lady has a bicycle wheel sticking out of her butt.

·         Dancing. When I do that now parts of me don’t stop when the music does.

·         Wearing pretty shoes. Dr. Scholl’s fashion sense sucks.

·         Climbing a ladder. Just the thought of moving a ladder today requires a nap.

·         Jumping rope. Can you picture double chins and boobs slapping each other silly?

·         Going braless and wearing a tank top. To do that today the tank top would have to be knee length. A windy day could be very revealing.

·         Joining the neighbors in an impromptu game of baseball. I could still do that if the other players are my age and the bases have wheelchair ramps. Nine innings could take three weeks to complete because we might have to call the game every now and then for a funeral.

·         Being able to see a yo-yo on its way back up. WHACK!

·         Belly laughing without having to change my drawers.

·         Remembering if the person talking to me in the grocery store is a neighbor, someone I used to work or went to school with, or a cousin. Or even remembering why I am in the store in the first place!

·         Being able to go anywhere willy-nilly, without waiting for a laxative to work.

·         Sitting on the floor…on purpose.

There are so many more ‘wish I could still do’ items to be listed here. I just don’t remember them all. Tell me some of yours…and you should probably add if you are a neighbor, someone I used to work or went to school with, or a cousin.