Wanting to lift, separate, or enhance my bust line became a ridiculous notion when my bust line became my new waistline. The time had arrived to throw away the pretty bras with the push up features, underwires, and straps from hell. The time had arrived to buy a sport bra. Sport bras look like the beginner bra you started out with. They are called a 'sport' bra because it is actually a sport-like endeavor by just putting one on and then removing it later.
Most sport bras are one piece - no back hooks or adjustable straps. They are made of a stretchy material, so, if you are a well endowed woman you need to make sure you buy the bra with individual cups, otherwise, two boobs squish into one middle boob and you will have no place to safely store your cell phone, cigarettes, lighter, car keys and wallet. You must also be trusting of the manufacturer's size guide because these bras look like they might fit your cat, or a small dog. I suggest you buy two with your first purchase (the reason for two will follow in a later paragraph).
Instructons (this is where the 'sport' begins) :
From experience, I must tell you not to pull this garment over your head if you have already fixed your hair and carefully applied mascara and lipstick. You WILL look like a clown by the time you have the bra stretched into place. Over the head, however, is the safest way to put on the garment, unless it gets twisted when coming over the head. Damage to one boob, if inserted into one side before the other side is untwisted, is possible. Imagine what a rubberband castration might feel like.
If you prefer to step into the sport bra, and pulling it up, it is best if you can see your feet while standing. If not, sit down and tug it up some before standing again. Be very careful; no one wants to find your face planted on the floor with a stretchy garment that looks like it can fit a cat, or small dog, around your ankles! Pull this garment up slowly. If you have a big butt, be prepared to feel a mighty jiggle as you pull this further up your body, so, be gentle. Once the garment is in the former waistline area you should be able to get your arms through the straps and the girls into place. Hopefully, you purchased the proper size and can breath.
Removing this garment is also tricky. If you struggled with the initial application (a true sporting event), you may be a little bit sore. You have options for the removal. Option 1 is to pull this over the head. To avoid the clown look, please remove your makeup first. Important: if you do not remove your earrings and you yank this stretchy sucker off quickly, be prepared for a slingshot reaction. You may possibly lose a loved one or have to replace window panes. Option 2 is to step out of this torture device. This is the least dangerous removal method, however, pulling this down too quickly over a big ass will cause it to snap you behind the knees and knock you off your feet. I cut the first garment off (Option 3) after I regained consciousness; I forgot about the big butt rule and flipped myself across the room (this is the reason you buy two).
Wearing a sport bra really is a sport - it has rules and injuries - and winner's cups!
