In a casual conversation with my Mom, during lunch today, she mentioned that John was walking again and doing well. I asked, “John, who?” She had forgotten to tell me that my childhood friend, John, was recovering from heart surgery. I was shocked! I am a few months older than John, but since we only see each other every other decade, he remains much younger in my mind. As soon as I arrived home from work, stripped, ate dinner, fed the dog and cats, watched two Big Bang reruns, and watered a plant, I rushed to the phone and called his Mom. She told me that John has had several surgeries over the years that I did not know about; gall bladder, knee replacement, and prostate cancer are just a few of them. She did not know if he had also had a vasectomy (I asked), and I told her there did not seem to be much else left to have done. After we disconnected our call I began to ponder my own aches and pains and soon needed to take a few ibuprofen just to continue the ponder process.
I have reached an age where getting ice cubes out of an ice tray is harder than learning to speak Mandarin Chinese. I could fix the ice maker in my fridge myself, but the part that needs changing is at the bottom of the fridge. I would have ice again, but would not be able to get to it because I would still be on the floor trying to stand up. I could ask someone to come over and fix it for me, but I do not have house cleaning scheduled until the week before Thanksgiving.
Ziplock sandwich bags are wonderful. Remember how we used to fold over a flap down into the plastic bag and our sandwiches were only half as stale as they would have been if wrapped in wax paper? As great as they are I cannot open one once it is closed. The kind with zippers cost more. It is much easier to carry around a pair of scissors. Remembering why I am carrying around a pair of scissors is also an issue!
There is no such thing as taking a quick bath. Showers are out because older folks cannot close their eyes while standing and remain standing.
When gray hair arrives it changes not only the color of your hair, but also the texture. I have had limp, fine, blonde hair all of my life and was ready for some gray hair with hopes of ‘oomph’. My gray hair is only on the sides of my head along the hairline just above, and in front, of my ears. The gray hair wants to stick straight out and the blonde hair stays limp. I spend a good portion of my day doing a spit and slick maneuver to keep the sides from sticking out like horns. An older person can only spit so much a day without dehydrating.
My left leg aches but it is the right leg that is swelling. I don’t think the left and right leg holes of my underwear are the same size. I wonder if I wore them backwards if the leg issue would change.
Stairs are easy to go up. Coming down a set of stairs really hurts since it is usually head over heels.
For the past few years I have feared coughing, or sneezing, when I need to pee. Last week I came down with a bad chest cold and was dismayed to discover that I had developed an additional leak. I am afraid to drink anything, or eat beans or onions. This fear is the real reason old people have the shakes.
This list could go on and on, but I am still thinking about John and do not have his phone number. I’m pretty sure his Mom will not ask him about a vasectomy. Most people have cell phones now and are not listed in the phone book. Damn.
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