Getting to know me

I probably would have listened to my Mom if she had told me when I was twenty five that soon my butt would drop behind my knees, my boobs would become knee pads, my eyelids would make me look like a depressed Basset hound and that my pierced earring holes would sag to look like baby butt cracks.  She didn’t and I was surprised when the first cheek gave way.  When I was ten years old she had kept me up at nap time to read to me about becoming a young woman. I didn’t catch any of what she was trying to tell me; all I could think about was missing my nap and wondering if she would ever stop reading what I assumed to be science fiction. Of course, I eventually found out what Mom was trying to tell but since I had not been paying attention to her I was totally shocked when the moment arrived.  I’m afraid to listen to what else she may try to tell me at this stage of the game and my friends wonder why I absolutely hate surprises.

 I’m much older now and when I lay down I have to move my boobs out of the way and scoot around until my sagging butt gets situated and that my back and knees are not at an angle that aches, my winged arms are laying in a way that will not cut off blood circulation and the double chins are lifted to avoid a heat rash. About the time I am in a position to start sawing the proverbial log I need to pee. I get up, pee, and start the whole process all over again, and again, and again.  Now I don’t sleep at all. What sleep I do get is what I used to call a nap…only it’s shorter and usually during a job interview or foreplay.  My sandman died about ten years ago, bless his heart,  and the tooth fairy now stops by three or four times a day – just in case. 

I’ve been patiently waiting for my golden years to kick in, but, I’m afraid I must have gotten in the wrong line when those years were being dispensed, just as I was for good eyesight, perky boobs, wealth and curly hair.  I do not recall being first in any line but I did stand in several. Since I received bad eyesight early in the ‘’standing in line’ day I did not see that one sign said Continuous Acts of Stupidity and/or Bad Luck. I think I went through it twice.

Several years ago I began to write about the stupid things that happen to me. Somehow, in my mind, by writing it down it seems more like bad luck than stupidity. I’ll let you decide but don’t call to tell me your opinion – there is always the slim chance I’m accidentally asleep. I’m a decade behind on beauty sleep…okay…two decades and do not need another rude awakening; one person can only take so many.  I’ve decided that I might as well let others know how lucky they are for standing in the right line at the right time.