GPS - If I Could Give the Directions

I really, really, really want to be the updated voice on automobile GPS systems. I think I can do a better job of helping a driver than the robotics being used today. Please see one of my examples below:

For The Blonde, Woman Driver: GduhPS

Please enter the address of your destination and if you need a new pair of shoes.

Thank you. Your destination has been programmed. That means I know where you want to go because you just told me.

Please turn left at the cute house on the next corner after double checking your lipstick, your hair and your nails.  

Thank you. You are kind. You are smart. You are important.

OOPS!

Please turn around and go back to the corner where the cute house will now be on the other side of the street.

Thank you.

OOPS!

Please turn around and go back to the corner where the cute house will now magically appear on the other side of the street and then turn left.

Thank you.

STOP! You passed a garage sale. Please put the car in ‘R’ and back up past approximately 21 houses.

Thank you.

LOOK! Isn’t his butt cute?  

Thank you. Check your lipstick.

Please proceed slowly forward and look for an ATM sign; there 22 more garage sales within the next 3 blocks.

OOPS!

Oh, honey, we are going the wrong way on this street! In 10 minutes, at the current speed of 55 miles per hour, you should see a JC Penney store; they are having a purse sale. Pull safely into there.

Thank you.    

Please turn on your left turn signal…no sweetie, not that one...your other left.

Thank you. You are kind. You are important. You are too pretty to be smart.

You are 10 feet from your destination.

OOPS!

Proceed forward and make a left turn at each street until you are back on this street.

You are 10 feet from your destination

OOPS!

Proceed forward and make a left turn at each street until you are back on this street.

You are 10 feet from your destination

OOPS!

Proceed forward and make a left turn at each street until you are back on this street.

You are 10 feet from your destination.

STOP! STOP! STOP!  Check your lipstick

You have now reached your destination of the neighbor’s house. If you do not want to use this system for the return trip home, please look across the street, from where you are now, and you will see your house. Please remember to look both ways before crossing the street. No, not happy and then sad! Look to the left and then to the right.  No! Not in your mirror!  Look for cars, traveling from the left and then the right, on the street. No, it does not matter which left you should look first. Yes, trucks count. Yes, so do motorcycles, bicycles and skateboards.

Thank you. Do not forget the cup of sugar you want to borrow from the neighbor. Good bye.

Other versions, GMOMPS for teenage drivers, GBSPS for male drivers and GPMS for Soccor Ball Mom drivers are available upon request. I really want to do this! You can contact me by visiting my home, via phone or by email, (I do not drive).