Looking for a husband....

I have gotten older and have decided to look for a husband.  I’ve been making a list of potential places to locate a man and have added some tips to help with the search.  I am sharing this list to help out other women, who are also older, and are also looking:

In a grocery store: If he smiles, says hello and seems very interested in you - then look for him again two aisles over. You will probably find him with his wife, or worse, his mother.

At Wal-Mart: If he smiled and greeted you at the door he either works there or expects to see you again, online, for wearing your bra on top of your shirt.

At a bar or club: Time him when he goes into the men’s room. If he’s in there 15 minutes he probably has prostate issues. If he’s in there longer than 15 minutes you don’t want to know why.

In a bowling alley: Get real! Nobody wants to see your wrinkled and dented old butt bending over in front of them. Never go to a bowling alley!

In a nice car: Men that do not drive trucks are sissies. Keep looking.

In a truck: Look in it. If it is cleaner than your house a sissy is trying to fool you.  

Look in a man’s garage: If you have more tools than he does he’s gay. If he does not have a mower and a 5 gallon gas can he is also lazy.

In a bank lobby: If he has a nicer pair of pantyhose on his head than you have on your legs he is after your money.

Bungee jumping: Get real! Think of the elastic in your comfortable underwear. Do not go anywhere that requires relying on something that has repeatedly been stretched.

At a NASCAR race: Good grief! How desperate are you?

At a picnic: Look very closely around you. Make SURE you are not at a family reunion.

In church: Pray for all of us. I think we are going to need it.