Over 50 and Dating Again

It is not easy being a single woman over fifty.   

Do you have any idea how hard it is to suck it in, push it up, lift and separate, smooth, tuck, hide, and hope that nothing slips out, falls out, droops, leaks or blows, just to survive a couple of hours with the opposite sex?

During the first year of dating, the excitement of being out there, again, was not so bad. When my eyelids began to droop I reduced the light bulbs, in my house, to a soft 60 watt. When the under eye wrinkles began to appear the light bulbs were reduced to 40 watts. I was having fun but, damn it, when the boobs suddenly became knee pads I began to panic! I tried using a push up bra, but, it only pushed up for a short period of time and then suddenly, without warning, I would have a boob avalanche. Can you imagine starting a dinner date with your chest above the table and ending dinner relieved that a waiter had not stepped on a nipple? The push up bra was tossed away.

Support hose can flatten stomachs, reduce hip sizes, and smooth the hail damage on a butt. This hosiery was wonderful, for fifteen minutes, and then just tight enough, from the pressure around the waistline, to make me gassy. I was afraid to cough, or laugh robustly; there was a huge possibility of major leakage that would either create a wet spot or make my ankles look like they were suddenly swelling. The support hose, like high wattage light bulbs, became another discard of my dating life.

I reached a point where I told my dates that I preferred to stay home and cook, or watch a movie. Truthfully, my makeup bag had reached a size that it required wheels; I did not want to leave it behind when leaving the house. Because we were staying in, once again, I was forced to reduce the bulb wattage in my home. Did you know that 25 watt bulbs greatly reduce the electric bill?

Wrinkle cream, especially for the eyes, costs more for two ounces than a whole barrel of crude oil. Considering what I was spending to keep my eyelids above my lower lashes, the rising cost of gasoline didn't seem so bad. As the gas prices rose I reduced the volume of wrinkle cream - for financial reasons. When gasoline hit three bucks a gallon it was goodbye wrinkle cream. I was now using 5 watt bulbs in the house.

On a recent morning, I got out of bed and found my butt cheeks behind my knees, and shortly thereafter, a hair on my chin.

There are no more light bulbs in my house.

I look pretty good in the dark.