Gasp!

A couple of years ago; I had the television turned to the morning news while trying to calculate out how many strawberry Pop Tarts I would have to eat to get my daily recommended amount of fruit. A news story came on about the exorbitant cost of going to a high school prom and how much money parents were shelling out. This brought back the memory of my own prom, where I paid for everything needed, without my parents shelling out a dime. I also paid for the ticket of my date (for which he still owes me – I figure that with interest it’s up to about five grand now).  As one memory rolled into another, I realized that I would soon be out of school for forty years!  My mouth fell open, causing all three chins to quiver, I dropped three jumbo boxes of Pop Tarts, and spilled my coffee. Forty years!  I needed to get into a shape that was not round. I had a year to prepare; I did not want to look like a Weeble at my class reunion! I needed to, gasp, start exercising. 

I grew up with Jack LaLanne, the exercise guru of the fifties and sixties. I think he came on TV right after Romper Room and before Felix the Cat. I remember him doing a lot of jumping jacks so that’s where I would start. I thought it would be easy. I was optimistic, even though, I had not done any jumping jacks since 1967.

I did not own any tennis shoes, but I thought I should put on white socks to look serious. I found one anklet and one crew sock; at least they were both white. Some serious calorie burning took place while trying to put them on. I located my fat sweat pants, and a T shirt, and donned them. It is hard to be optimistic when your fat pants are too tight, but I was ready to jump. I chose a room where the picture frames would not tilt and jumped…well…parts of me jumped. Some of me went up quick and some of me followed at a much slower pace. Parts passed each other. With my feet back on the ground some of me was still in the air. When everything slammed back to the ground I jiggled for a full five minutes. My glasses fogged. Woohoo! I was exercising!!  Exhausted, hot and a little light headed I collapsed in my recliner and took a swill of my Coke.

That one jump made me so sore that a whole week went by before I could do another one.