Old West Romance Novel Issues

I like to read and find myself at a total loss if I do not have a book, magazine or newspaper handy. Being unemployed, I find much more time on my hands for reading and my reading stash diminished quickly. A quick trip to the local Goodwill store replenished my supply, however, the choices were skimpy and I ended up with too many historical, old West, romance novels. I have issues with these books, but read them for the historical references and not necessarily for the flimsy plots.

Number one issue:  An evening gown, of silk, is in a satchel with petticoats, camisoles, shoes, favorite books left by a beloved parent, writing supplies, and two faded cotton day dresses. It will be packed for a two week stagecoach ride and will survive an Indian attack, a dangerous river crossing, a broken axle and an outbreak of pox (various varieties). It is not possible to just shake out the wrinkles, but, it does happen in every old West romance novel; at least twice.  

Issue number two: The out house (no pun intended). All damsels in these novels go to the outhouse, or privy, and come out again. It is never mentioned if she had to use a page out of a mail order catalog. She just goes in, comes out, gets thrown on a horse by a bad guy, rides off to a cave hideout and eats cold biscuits and jerky until the good guy sneaks up and rescues her.

Issue number three: The good guy chases the girl, she does not like him, resists him, he kisses her and she melts with previously unknown desire and is instantly in love. She will, however, doubt his love and leave him, at least once, and he has to save her ranch, catch a bad guy, fight some Indians, and then find her, again, to declare his undying love.

Issue number four: If a man and woman decide to marry, usually in a hurry, it is the guy who makes the wedding arrangements. He is always the one to find the preacher, buy a new set of clothes, get a shave and a haircut, buy the ring and make dinner arrangements at the only hotel in town. All of this is done before sundown while she bathes and is given a silk dress, which has been stored in an old trunk by the sister of the town doctor’s dead wife. It fits her perfectly after shaking out the wrinkles.  

Issue number five: A ribbon in the hair gives the woman the perfect hairstyle or she washes and rinses her hair with rainwater that is somehow collected during year five of a five year drought.

Issue number six: There is no way a woman will do that after riding a horse through the desert, wearing the same clothes for five heat scorched days, and relieving herself behind a boulder or a thicket of trees.

Issue number seven: The good guy usually gets shot, bleeds out all of his blood, but still manages to stay on his horse. It turns out to be only a flesh wound on his arm or his thigh. With either wound, it does not pain him enough to stop him from making her newfound desires surge.

Issue number eight: The cover photo. It irritates me that the people on the cover are not how the actual characters are described. A blonde on the cover may be a redhead in the book. The man on the cover may have straight, black, unkempt, hair and in the book he has sun bleached curls along his collar that she dares to run her fingers through.

Issue number nine: The main female character is never fat. Her mean cousin, the sheriff, the bad guy or step mother may be fat, but she is not.

Issue number ten: At the beginning of each novel the writer thanks everybody that helped her research the historical facts. If the writer takes liberty with a date, or an event that actually happened, she details the actual fact and explains why she has changed it to fit her story. You would think the researchers would find a reference, somewhere, that mentions you cannot shake a wrinkle out of silk. The writer never mentions it, but will go into great detail on the color, the piping, the sleeves, where the attached lace was made, the nip at the tiny waist, and how much skin is exposed in a low neckline.

There are some interesting bits of information in these books. I am pretty sure I can tan a hide, make soap or candles, keep a longhorn steer from running through my garden, pack a bullet wound if my stagecoach driver is shot, or cook corn mush and sweeten it with molasses. I also know how to make an Indian think I am a spirit god because I have blonde hair, a match or a mirror. I do draw the line at shaking a silk gown until the wrinkles disappear, it would be a waste of time. I would rather use that time to read another one of these horrible, horrible, books.